Created ‎Sunday, ‎October ‎22, ‎2023, ‏‎5:34:29 AM After trying to take control of my health and manually cleaning the severely infested toxic mold off the AC intake using white vinegar, baking soda, rubber gloves, double mask, and safety goggles and a wire brush after watching hundreds of videos over the course of a few months after our apartment complex not only refused to address it but retaliated threatening to evict us (my 94 year old grandmother I am the legal caretaker of and myself). This Process took me 12 hours total, I had a small window of time where my grandmother was staying at my uncles for a few days after getting back from the hospital the 1st time, and not the apartment complex, not the regional manager, not a single member in my family cared to acknowledge the mold, and all were very hostile anytime I brought it up.

For Context, My Mother passed of double pneumonia in august 2016 (She lived in the 10x12 room I've been existing in since August 2020. My Grandfather Died of a Stroke, due to lack of oxygen from pneumonia in august 2018. While even if mold wasn't an issue, I still have severe health issues with needing full reconstructive jaw surgery that's been infected so long and keeps sending my body into septic shock, as well as a lump on my spine that keeps me stuck on the floor, unable to sit in chairs, and stand or walk without fainting... Adding toxic mold to that list when it's a solvable problem makes zero sense... So I used the small window I had and tried to solve the problem. I failed... I must of sent the mold into defense mode releasing even more toxic spores and as soon as I took off all my safety gear, and got out of the shower, It took vengeance.. My brain felt like it was breaking out of my skull,every bone and tendon and muscle in my body was in unbearable pain and I was the closest I've ever been to Un-life-ing myself just to stop the pain.... I thought back to 2015 when I was living in NY and dealing with much less severe pain and was moments away from ending things, when I attempted to distract myself with music and made a song that saved my life.

Analysis Paralysis (off my album Traversal)

open.spotify.com/track/0GegznLCpSCKb4CAfwZekO?si=277d4ad6ccb3438f

So I opened up Ableton Live, and turned down the screen brightness as much as possible to where I could still kinda see what I was doing... and quickly transmuted my pain into an audible cry for help...

quickly bounced out a one take, live version and tried to sleep.

Unfortunately, the next day, My uncle dropped off my grandmother back at the house.... Her heath got so severe, she couldn't walk, breath, stand, use the restroom, just a week of begging of die and being ashamed, I had to take care of her and clean her up....

No one in the family would listen to me when I told them to take her to hospital and test for mold exposure, 24 hrs later, at 10:30pm She collapsed in the shower, I had to call the paramedics again....

This time... After 2 days of no communication from family, they finally tell me she has double pneumonia and heart blockage and will likely not make it... October 30th, my uncle tells me she's doing better, October 31st morning, my brother calls and tells me she's not gonna make it... none of the family is communicating with me.....

A key factor here is, I hate Tampa Florida, I've escaped this city and moved to Los Angeles and NY (where I easily had healthcare) multiple times for a reason, but in July 2020, height of the pandemic, My Uncle Demanded that I move in with suicidal grandmother because she wasn't doing well after losing her husband and my mother. Told me, she's 90 and prob won't last long so I need put all my stuff in storage and step up and be there for family....

Well, she's stubborn and strong and she lasted a long time, long enough for my health to completely evaporate along with all my savings helping keep her afloat...

She Passed away Nov 3rd, at around 11pm, just a few hours after my brother and I went to see her, and because our career since 2009 was traveling the U.S. teach physicians and nurses how to chart electronically on the system they were using, we bonded with the staff who was looking after her who said at the time, even tho she was unconscious due to morphine, she was doing better and unless the family requested to reduced the oxygen manually, she would likely last another few weeks and possibly recover.....

Her Last words to me, where to please take of Little Paw (her Cat) so I made sure to speak into her ear that I would be ok and i'll take care of little paw...

The Reality is..... My Family gives zero F's about me, or my health, or the cat. and are planning to physically drag me out of this apartment after funeral... This place is death trap, but it's still shelter.... I can't even sit up in chairs... I destroyed my credit and savings helping keeping my grandmother afloat during inflation.... I'm alone, and have no one to defend me and have zero options or time to figure out where or how i'm going to live.....


This is only fragments of context..... but I needed to share it somewhere.. I keep seeing the polite thing, on social media.... "condolences for your loss" No one has any idea the scope of what that loss means for my survival... and I've been telling people publicly, I'm not ok for 2 years now, only to be ghosted and shunned by all my long terms music comrades..... I don't even want to share publicly how bad it is.....

I have no idea what's ahead but I know it's dark and I'm not physically or mentally equipped to pivot and handle adversity of this magnitude...

I said all i needed to say scattered in 8 years of gibberish freestyles peppered with extreme self introspective vulnerability and playful spirited self pep talks in The Reluctant Clap Series.... I hope one day people make times to listen to it fully starting from Chapter I and ending with Chapter V to know how long i've been trying and privately fighting with everything I have.....

People don't like reading long things, or long things in general, So this will probably just been hidden context to be discovered years later if this platform even exists into the future...

Thank you to everyone who gave me purpose to push through.... I just Ran out of time........

Woe is Me..

- Dutch